Verbal Villains
Connection Killers
Verbal Villains are responses that we think are helpful, but in reality are killing connection, decreasing safety, and many times in business cutting us off from critical information we need from our people.
Verbal Villains are best understood by seeing them play out in a specific scenario. Here's an excerpt taken from the book Amity: Friendship in Action by R.P. Walters:
A junior in high school says, "School is really a drag. Just a waste of time! I'd be better off working. I know where I can get a job. I think I'll take it and forget about stupid school!"
Spock: logic & facts only. "You know you will not get a job that will pay as well if you graduate from high school."
Detective: asks question after question to eventually solve the problem or prove your point. "Where can you get a job? How do you know you really can get it? What will it pay? What makes you so sure you will like it?”
Florist: focusing only on the positive. "Oh, things can't be as bad as all that, especially for you! Probably the reason school seems to be dull for you is because you have so much ability! It's still early in the year; things will pick up, and I'll bet it turns out to be a wonderful year for you!"
Mr. Nostalgia: let me tell you how bad I have had it. "When I was your age I went through the same thing. I remember when I even went out looking for a job I was so tired of school. But I stuck in there. I realized I was just frustrated."
Drill Sergeant: Tells you what to do. "If you want to make the right decision, here's how to go about it. First, write down all the advantages and disadvantages. Then, talk to people who have tried it both ways. Next, tabulate their opinions and compare them with our own. After you have done that, the next step is to..."
Swami: predict what is going to happen if you do what say you are doing. “You do that and before a week is up you'll wish you were back in school. Believe me, it will never work out for you!"
Hangman: criticism, you did not do enough. "If you don't like school, it's your own fault. If you're not getting anything out of it, probably you aren't putting anything into it. If you don't take advantage of your opportunities, you have nobody but yourself to blame."
Foreman: get busy with something else. "I know what will get your mind off that. I've got to take my car in for some new tires. Ride down to the shop with me and we'll see what' going on down there."
Guru: clichés, cheap advice - "Win some you lose some, God will work it out." "The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. Don't burn your bridges behind you. Hang in there. Remember when the going gets tough, the tough get going!"
Magician: it will go away, not really a problem anyway. "Oh, school is really O.K. You're probably just down on it because today is Friday. You will like it better again next week. Just wait and see - next week things will be just fine!"
Attunement Response: “It is so frustrating for you at school you are just thinking of anything to get out of there.”
One more Verbal Villain that I would add to the list is the "Silver-Lining-er" (check the video to see what I mean).
REFLECTION
How do you imagine the high schooler responding to the Verbal Villain responses? Chances are they would either shut down and not say anything else, or get frustrated and dig their heels in more on their decision. The attuning response, in contrast, opens the door for them to share more, and vastly increases the chances that the real reason they want to quit school will surface.
I am sure you can think of a few people in your life that tend to use one or more of these Verbal Villain responses. Reflect for a minute on a recent time someone used one of these responses to something you shared. What was it like being on the receiving end?
On the other side, the reality is we all have our own go-to Verbal Villain responses. Take a minute to look over the list again -- which one (or ones) do you gravitate towards using?
CONCLUSION
Again, these are responses that we think are helpful when we are giving them, but are actually detrimental to the relationship and cut off communication. And at work with your leaders & team, using a Verbal Villain response puts you in the role of problem-solver / answer-provider (instead of them taking ownership) and it weakens their decision-making muscles.
So this week, see if you can cut down your use of Verbal Villain responses or catch yourself when you start to. Instead, try using the skill of Attunement to enhance the quality of your communication and relationships. See how this impacts your communication at work and at home. If you try it I'd love to hear about it!